Friday, April 08, 2005

Dreams & Revelations
I had a dream Monday night that I Rob and I were someplace like Atlantic Beach. We got separated, and I got lost, and I became a street person. Then some family took me in, and it turned out to be my family. I kept telling them that Rob was looking for me, and would come and find me. They didn't believe me and they laughed at me and made fun of me. Eventually the dream woke me up. It was almost time to get up anyway, and I didn't sleep much more.
When I first told Rob about the dream, he said he thought it was about sympathy for my brother. But Tuesday evening I was thinking about it, and I realised what it was really about. It was about 1999, when I was living at home, and both my brother and my dad were so crappy to me. I realised that my brother hated me because I'm gay, and he wanted to come out but he couldn't deal with it. And his rejection of me gave credence to my dad's belief that being gay is a choice.
And this realisation was very cathartic to me, and a lot of my anger and anxiety about the situation with my brother and his problems and how my dad was dealing with that began to fade. I don't think I feel that they're getting what they deserve, exactly, it's just that they had a chance, and they blew it, and it has nothing to do with me anymore.